have a mental list of people you'd like to spay or neuter.
You stopped at
a house with a "Free Puppies" sign in the yard to have an Educational
"Chat," and your kids had to post your bail.
Running out of
paper towels is a household crisis.
You not only know all the characteristics
of a good "stool," you
discuss them at dinner.
have messages on them like "Subtract Two Testicles For Every Four Feet."
have a bumper sticker that reads "My Border Collie Is Smarter Than Your Honor
You pray they will someday manufacture Teflon furniture.
have phone calls forwarded to PetsMart.
You absentmindedly pat people
on the head or scratch them behind their ears.
Given the choice of having
your teeth cleaned or their teeth
cleaned, they get their teeth cleaned.
not only allow pets on the couch, guests have to sit on the
floor because the
dog has "territorial issues."
Your spouse missed the final
game of the World Series because the cat wanted to watch his favorite video, "Birds
of North America."
Anytime the animal appears lethargic, you go
on-line and investigate vetmed websites, pose questions to your address book and
on e-lists, and by the time you digest all the information and field the correspondence,
has torn out the window screens, masticated a couch cushion and
left something disgusting in your favorite pair of shoes.
handle is "Queen of Spayeds."
You and your vet are on a first
name basis and he genuflects when you enter the waiting room. His daughter at
Harvard refers to you as "Auntie."
You needed a prescription
to recover from "Old Yeller."
You've forwarded more warnings
about the dangers of chocolate, onions and mistletoe than the National Center
for Disease Control has issued about anthrax and smallpox.
white year 'round, not because you are flaunting a fashion law or belong to a
religious sect but because you have a Dalmatian, Great Pyrenees, Samoyed or white
Persian at home.
The world would never guess from your "dog or
kittyspeak" posts to e-lists that in reality you are chairman of the IBM
By the time you investigate different flea control products,
their advantages and potential risks, natural versus chemical methods, and study
the life cycle of the flea, any fleas have died of old age.
your children to "heel!" in a grocery store.
you went mall hopping with your girlfriends. Your eyes glazed over when you saw
a sign in front of a pet shop, "20% Off All Puppies & Kittens,"
and you slapped three security guards before they got you safely contained in
the manager's office.
People are still talking about your spay-neuter
from last year, "Deck the Halls with Balls of Collies.