Dear Dogs and Cats:

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not
switch positions with each other so there are still
two of you in the way.

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain
your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my
food. Please note, placing a pawprint in the middle
of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it
becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that
aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a
racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the
object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall
faster than you can run. I cannot buy anything bigger
than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do
not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to
ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats
sleeping. They can actually curl up in a ball. It is
not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other
stretched out to the fullest extent possible.
I also know that sticking tails straight out and
having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize
space used is nothing but sarcasm.

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the
bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and
manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to
claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your
paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I
must exit through the same door I entered. In
addition, I have been using the bathroom for years -
canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other
dog's or cat's butt.

I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a
simple change for you.

To pacify you, I have posted the following message on
our front door.....

Rules for Non-pet owners who visit and like to
complain about our pets:

1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay
off the furniture.

3. I like my pet better than I like most people.

4. To you it's an animal. To me he/she is an adopted
son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours
and doesn't speak clearly.

5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat
less, don't ask for money all the time, and are easier
to train. They usually come when called, never drive
your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends,don't
drink or smoke, don't worry about buying the latest
fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a
gazillion dollars for college, and if they get
pregnant, you can sell the results.